More of a Mess than a Manuscript

As the New Year arrives and it seems everyone is thinking resolutions,lightstock_142968_small_helena_ I am doing something completely different.  A few days ago I decided to go back and read my prayer journal for 2015.  The journal is nothing fancy… an old fashioned college rule COMPOSITION BOOK.  When I write in it I use one writing instrument exclusively… an extra fine mechanical pencil and only one brand of those is acceptable.  I guess that is part of my quirky nature that makes me a writer.  God doesn’t care what I write with or what my handwriting looks like… He is oblivious to spelling and grammar and punctuation?  But He does like it that I actually focus my attention on what I’m writing to Him… the cell phone is put down, the TV is turned off, even the dogs have to make their nests somewhere besides my lap.

Reading the journal confirmed that I do not spend time with God everyday… perfectly; never missing a day 365 days each year.  In fact it exposed a haphazard, inconsistent totally unscheduled pattern of prayer entries.  4 days, skip 1, 1 day, skip 3, 7 days, skip 2 yeah… pretty much like that all year long.  In fact I had one month that had not a single prayer entry… my silent absence screamed off the page to me when I realized that.

In the midst of my unfaithfulness I experienced His grace for me… that He wanted me to return no matter how long it had been, no matter how far I had strayed, no matter the condition I was in when I finally turned back.  Those entries began by thanking Him for always being there.  Eventually I realized that I had wandered but I was never alone in my wanderings for He would never leave me or forsake me.  Where I went, Christ went also; gently and persistently reminding me of His love, His forgiveness and His grace.  As the year progressed the absences grew shorter and less frequent.

The prayer entries varied in length as well.  A paragraph or two; four pages of anxious, scribbled slashing; two sheets of calm, neat penmanship; a page of joyful, loopy words with underlines, hearts, smiley faces and exclamation points for emphasis!  I just lay it all out there… my frustrations, my hopes, my fears all tumble onto the page in an attempt to reach His heart.  I never follow a format… at times praise happened, thankfulness happened, joy was expressed.  But my prayer journal is more of a mess than a manuscript… and in 2015 God used it tremendously in my life!

I rarely read my journal entries after I write them.  I’m usually afraid to read it… afraid of it in the same way a close look in the mirror can cause great discomfort.  All the extra pounds, gray hair, wrinkles; every imperfection shows up… how will I go on in life after seeing myself like that?  Reading my prayer journal exposed it all!

On those pages…

I trembled in anxiety and fear… for my family, my finances, my future!

God listened.

I railed at God… my heart full of anger, doubt and questioning.

God listened.

I wept in self-pity.

God listened.

I approached God as almighty, all knowing, all powerful… basically seeing Him through the eyes of an abandoned, frightened, wide-eyed little girl who crept into the room with God and hid behind a chair whispering her prayers.

God listened.

I sat before him buried in shame from my past.

God listened.

Several months into my 2015 prayer journal my focus shifted… it was less about me and more about Him.  I sampled different names for God… Almighty, Heavenly Father, Father God, Daddy God… then one day I called him Papa and our hearts connected.  I told Him all about stuff… the hurts, failures and the forgiveness I craved.  I spewed out all the lies I hear in my head, the accusations and condemnation, my vulnerability showed and so did my pride and critical spirit.  Papa came through with His truth!

I began to write a while… and then listen… write some more.

I poured out my love, concerns and desires for my family, my friends, other women I knew were hurting, confused, suffering from loss and destruction in their lives.  I searched the Word for just the right words to pray… I began to forget about me for a time and focus on them.  Breathing got easier and time seemed to fly by whenever I sat with that composition book and bible in my lap.

Flair-ups came, emotions got triggered, and old habits reappeared that are difficult to stop… it’s all there on the pages of my prayer journal.  But inside me… fear and anxiety are being replaced with peace and assurance; lies are replaced with truth; bitterness and rejection are being replaced with forgiveness and concern for others; sadness and loss are replaced with comfort and love.

Because God listened… and I listened to Him.

2016… I’m a few days into the year and I’ve missed a day or two with my prayer journal.  But it’s there… waiting for me.  And as I pour my heart out onto the pages God listens.

A Prayer

Almighty God… Heavenly Father… Papa,

In the midst of all that is happening in this world today, billions of people, political, economic and social upheaval and destruction; monumental needs… still you listen to me, Your child.  Personal, present and compassionate You sit with me every time I return to You.  You nurture, counsel, comfort and guide me with all wisdom and grace.  Your patience for me is boundless… Your love for me is everlasting! Thank you that in 2016 You will draw me… beckon me… wait for me to return to You in prayer and then You will listen. 

In Jesus Name,  Amen

 

Tarnished Reality… Glorious Light

Its Christmas time and I am struggling with a bruised and battered heart.  As the season unfolds; my thinking bounces around… from the hurts of my past – to my inadequacy in the present – to the uncertainty of my future.  I run a gauntlet of thoughts that recount my failures… point out my broken relationships… remind me of all that is lost.

I’m struck by how our culture’s “Christmas decorum” is entrenched in my thinking. Images of Christmas perfection are projected unto the screen in my head.  While I cower among shadowy accusers… fingers point at me and then at the screen; voices call out and compare my tarnished reality with the angelic rejoicing I see there. I find myself trying to inject sparkle, glimmer and glitz in an effort to oust the darkness that has settled in my heart.

The battle is real… it rages quietly under the surface as I plan our family gathering, shop for presents and decorate my home.  It’s not new… or profound… or uncommon.  That’s why, in the middle of this season of joy I’m sharing with you the struggle within.

Because…

This Christmas, God is doing what God does… sending Jesus time and time again into my life to be the light that pierces the darkness of my thinking. He sends Jesus through my precious husband and son and daughters and through sisters in Christ who listen… and pray with me and for mBright lights with mangere.  He sends Jesus through his Word that speaks the truth I need to hear.

What do I need to hear in the midst of this Christmas struggle?

Jesus comes to me even when I am cowering in the darkness.  He shows me that tenderness and love overcomes offense and failure every time.  His poverty and frailty exposes the ugly pride and gaudy excesses that the devil uses to destroy me.  There is nothing more tender and helpless than a newborn baby.  He doesn’t point to a false perfection… He gently and tenderly heals and reshapes my broken heart.  God uses the birth of a baby to scatter my accusers and bring me into His glorious light!

A Prayer

Thank you Father for the gift of your son Jesus. You have fought the devils lies and accusations with the mighty force of a frail and tiny baby.  His light defeats the darkness… His comfort heals my broken heart… His love restores my soul.  All Glory to the newborn King!

Goodness

I crack my eyes open to the dusty light… stretch beneath the comforter and yawn, filling my lungs with the cool, crisp air of an early morning.  Slowly, I become aware of the creaking, murmuring noises my husband makes as he brews coffee and tends our wood-burning stove.  I’m not alone… glancing at my canine companion I see her stretch… and roll… stretch again in her own fleece lined dog bed.  I’d like to remain there… snuggled in sweetness and warmth.  Thank you Jesus, for the goodness of the morning!

Not all my days begin with sweetness.  The alarm clangs; the dogs whine and bark; the phone shatters the stillness or the door slams shut as my husband exists for work.  Instead of the gradual stirring of thankfulness, my thoughts assault me with expectations.  The day looms with tasks to be completed, frustrations to be faced, and temptations to be resisted.  I must rise and sort out all the “what’s next… what if… why does it have to be this way” questions that din around in my head.  I’d like to bury my head beneath the covers and shut out the day… sometimes my heart prefers darkness to light, foolishly thinking I’ll find refuge there. Help me Jesus, to face this morning!

  • The goodness of Jesus prevails

No matter how I experience the morning, God promises His childlightstock_251401_small_helena_

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23:6)

God’s goodness is simple and awesome; majestic and comforting all at the same time.  God’s goodness has poured out of Him from the beginning of time; His goodness is the essence of all creation.  Goodness inhabits the starry sky, towering mountains and massive seas… all because He called them good.  Overcoming our sin, Jesus is the redemption of that good.  Bright sunshine and moonlit nights proclaim… the goodness of the Lord will prevail.

  • Goodness is intentional… not accidental or natural

Too often I forget the goodness of Jesus living within me.  My view of Him is clouded and distorted by… well, by me!  I’m focused on my past failures or my present circumstances.  I remember the false excuse I gave, the food I couldn’t resist and the anger I unleashed… it’s easy to see I’ve been anything but good.  The moment I forget about His goodness and begin relying on my own I’m in trouble… there is only one who is good, Jesus.  His goodness and His love are intentional and he demonstrates them to us every moment of every day.  No failure or disappointment will cause Jesus to remove it.

  • God’s goodness leads us to repentance.

It’s easy to see the turmoil in every part of the world today… it’s all over the news.  I experience fear and uncertainty, anger and frustration, greed and lust splattered everywhere around me.  Sometimes I want to tuck my head under whatever is handy and shut out the day… maybe I can find refuge in food, drink or Facebook… only to have my heavy heart get heavier and my dim spirit struggle against the darkness.  But Jesus is light.  If instead I focus on Jesus goodness He warms my heart and comforts my soul.

Jesus was focused and intentional when He suffered and died for the everyday sins that I commit.  The mark of His life within me is His goodness.  Goodness deliberately, intentionally prefers right and resists wrong.  There is always the opportunity for wrong… goodness is the choice to reject wrong in favor of good.  An easy example… it’s my choice to reject the hurtful words I want to say in favor of good, uplifting or forgiving ones.  When I focus on all the ways Jesus has been good to me today I have the opportunity to allow the goodness of Christ to reign in my heart.

  • The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble…

Without a sense of God’s goodness I struggle to experience His love – that’s why the devil uses my bad to convince me how unlovable I am.  It is the realization that even when I’m not good enough… “Jesus in me” is my good enough.

Every evening we have a routine… my little, aging Chihuahua needs to be placed in her spot to sleep.  It has to happen or she will wander, whine and create a fuss.  For a tiny dog her yowl can be ear piercing.  She demands our attention, refuses to settle herself and shows no appreciation for anything we have provided that day.  No one is going to rest in the house until she is tucked securely in her spot.  First we lay a polar fleece baby blanket at the foot of the bed, place her gently on top of one half and fold the other half over her.  Then, a second fleece is laid over her to form a cave… a refuge from the night air… a place she can burrow and tuck her nose for warmth.  Quiet and goodness rest there all night.

That is the picture of God’s goodness caring for you.  It is goodness and love coming together in you… to create your relationship with Jesus.  He is your refuge… your goodness… and every day you can trust in Him.  In the midst of your busyness, frustration or pain; God’s goodness and love will follow you all the days of your life, and you will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Scripture: Psalm 23:6; Nahum 1:7; 2 Peter 1:5

A Prayer

 Thank you Father, that your goodness and love truly follow me all the days of my life.  In Christ I find refuge from the struggles of life; His goodness reigns in my heart.  You pour out your love and comfort; you quiet me and give good gifts to me.  Help me open my eyes to see you are the source of all good things… every morning.  Help me rest in the power of your great love forever.

Please feel free to contact me by completing the “prayer request” form or the “contact me” form.  Both are confidential and are not posted on the webpage but are emailed directly to me.  You may indicate if you would like an email response from me.  Or… you can simply add a public comment below and post it to this blog.

 

Stepping Stones… Revealing God’s Plan

“Lord, your word says you have a plan for me… a good plan… for my good and to give me a hope for my future.  Lord, what is that plan?  What does it look like exactly and how and when will I see it fulfilled in my life?  I want to know Lord!  I thought I knew Lord… I thought when I stepped out and started that business, or when I got involved in that ministry, or when I married my husband and we started our family that I was doing what you planned and that it would definitely lead me to a future filled with hope and joy.  But God, now I’m not so sure.  I look around and my current life doesn’t look like what I expected… we’ve lost the business, the gift and talent you placed in me hasn’t been fulfilled in ministry; my husband and I are uncertain about our future.  What is happening God?  How can I know I’m following your path… your plan?”

I recently said a prayer that sounded very much like this.  It was closely followed by several conversations with women who were asking themselves and God the exact same questions… each of us struggling with uncertainty; struggling with the pain of disappointment over the past; struggling with big questions about our future.  God’s grace and His word speak truth in response to our heart felt questions…

The struggle happens when I view God’s plan as a specific role, position or achievement in life that, once reached, will somehow secure my future.  I want an “X marks the spot” and a map of how to get there.  I want God to specify my job or my ministry, where I live, who I marry or how many children I have.  Now, I know absolutely that God knew all those specifics about my life long before I was born… but still, they do not constitute God’s plan.

  • From the moment I turn my back on my old life God’s plan is for me to participate in the life of Jesus.

God’s plan is to renew my mind; mold my heart and transform my life into the glory of His son… Jesus Christ.  God’s plan is not a destination but a moment by moment journey.  Are there specifics along the way?  Sure there are… but they are not the goal or the thing by which God brings us into His kingdom.  The picture here is of Jesus leading and directing me on His path; where He goes… I go.  What He does… I do.

  • Jesus lives in me… I want to build on what I have been given.

Everything that goes into God’s plan for my life; into pleasing God, is given to me as I get to know Gargrave_stepping_stonesJesus personally and intimately.   God has laid stepping stones that clearly show me His path.  Jesus leads me… one step at a time.  And as He shows me what to do He also shows me how to do it… what my heart attitude needs to be.  As I walk along with Jesus I imitate Him… honesty – displayed in my business dealings, gentleness and patience – shared with my family, strength – shown to the doctors in the hospital, trust – when I lose my job, my retirement and my home.  Jesus teaches me to add to my faith… the qualities that enhance my effectiveness in sharing Him with those around me.  God’s plan for me starts the moment I surrender my life to Jesus and continues as I increasingly participate in His life and in His character.

  • Looking at my circumstances… focusing on my feelings… hanging on to what I expect or want life to look like means I lose sight of God’s direction for today.

It’s easy for me to blindly go through my day oblivious to the fact that Jesus wiped all my sins off the books and that he holds nothing against me that will separate me from heaven.  My perspective becomes narrow and my focus is on me… no rejoicing in my salvation, no thankfulness for Jesus… sometimes I just want what I want, when I want it.  That’s why it is so important that I commit my day to the Lord in prayer first… early in the morning… before I start anything else.  He gently reminds me of His presence and His everlasting love for me.  He infuses my spirit with His Spirit through His Word.  Jesus takes up His position… He leads, I follow.

  • Do what God sets before me to do today.

What I do today is not insignificant, not good enough or a waste of time. It is where God has me for today.  God doesn’t waste anything!  The way I conduct myself with my family, in my job and out in the community is important!  Jesus is always teaching me something… warm friendliness, passionate patience, sure determination, gentle acceptance, and generous love… these are the character traits that lead to excellence and integrity.  They are what I learn from Jesus when I participate in His life in and through me.

  • Find joy in the moment… no day will pass without my experiencing the life of Jesus within me.

I realize that with each moment comes an opportunity to take my time with what I am doing, time to explore and get the most out of whatever it is.  It is all important, and the joy of seeking and hearing the voice of the Lord in the moment fills me.  In Christ I avoid the trap of thinking that what I do today is the only thing that determines where I will be down the road.  It is “a” step… not “the” step.  Sometimes I put so much focus on individual situations that I either try too hard to do it perfectly or I get overwhelmed at its importance, get discouraged and quit.

  • Jesus keeps moving forward… He doesn’t stop and He doesn’t look back.

Do what God sets before me to do tomorrow and each day thereafter. When I look back I focus on my failures or miss-steps.  Jesus says, “Keep going.”  If I stop I guarantee much time will be wasted… He tells me to stick with Him.  I’m on firm footing, solid ground; a path leading through my circumstances, no matter what they are.  With these qualities growing in my life, He will use them to mature and complete me… according to His plan.

 Scripture: 2 Peter 1: 3-10

 A Prayer

 Father thank you that your plan for my life is for me to fully participate in the life of Jesus!  You have given me everything I need for a godly life through Jesus when He called me by his own glory and goodness.  My hearts desire is to increasingly walk in His character.  Every step I take with Jesus is an opportunity to add to my faith… goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, mutual affection and love in increasing measure.  These are the things that bring peace and joy in the midst of my days, despite my trails and oblivious to my failures.  I thank you Father, the in Jesus I will not stumble on your path… I see your plan for my life fulfilled!

 

House on a Rock

I love Wyoming, especially the area around Green River and Rock Springs.  It is high389229_395b_1024x2000 desert, 6000 feet above sea level.  It is dominated by wide expanses of sage brush and rock, as rough a terrain as any you find in the United States. It’s dry, dusty and windy… completely gray/brown for eleven months of the year.  There are many miles of high desert that are uninhabited.  Visitors are constantly warned not to venture off the road, in fact they advise never traveling without a provision of water, extra warm clothing and other survival supplies – even when you stay on the roadway.  It is wise to heed the warning… cell phones are of no use across the Wyoming range.

Yet there is a beauty and majesty in the midst of this place.  A marvelous herd of wild horses roam freely, their coats gleaming in the sun when you come upon them.  Deer, antelope, elk and other animals find both water and sustenance on this seemingly barren terrain.  They graze on the sage brush and shelter in the ravines and rocky cliffs beside towering buttes. In fact they not only survive… they thrive!  No matter how inhospitable and lonely the Wyoming range may be… God’s creation is cared for.

All of us experience dry, windswept, lonely times in our life.  As I pray for the women I personally share the Word with each day I am acutely aware that each one needs the living water and sustenance that can only be in Jesus Christ.  Some are raising young children; some have an illness or injury that they struggle with across the terrain of their day; a few have suffered great loss recently; some are quiet, strong women who graze on God’s Word and seek to drink in His life giving presence so they can overflow into the lives of those around them; some are searching for a deeper, more meaningful, and more “real” relationship with Jesus as they are just starting out on their journey across the wilderness of life.

  • One thing…

Although many things are needed to survive the high desert there is really only one thing that is absolutely crucial – water!  Water is the vital necessity that, if you are caught, broke down on the range; your survival would depend on it.  Jesus is that one thing in all our lives, He is our living water.  First, it is necessary to surrender to Him as Lord; then we need complete dependence on Him and on His Word. All the tasks of the day; the difficulties in our relationships; the rough decisions; the feelings of inadequacy or rejection – they all expend tremendous energy and require sustenance.  Have you sat and drank deeply of God’s Word before venturing out and tucked a verse in your pocket to drink from all day long?

  • Beauty in the wilderness

God takes the harsh, rocky and windswept days of our lives and causes them to blossom.  There is nothing more beautiful than an ocean of sage brush in bloom!  It is purple across the range with a sharp, poignant smell.  Steve and I once came upon a magnificent stallion standing at the ridge of a huge valley… ears perked and muscles tense and rippled beneath his gleaming coat.  Possibly the perfect mount for Jesus when He returns.  My heart pounds with anticipation at the thought of that day.  So too, God gives us beauty in the midst of our struggles.  Jesus gives us strength and fortitude when we have none.  He sends the love and comfort of friends when we are weakest, ripples of laughter to sustain our joy, peace and quiet that can only be found in the wilderness.  Do you see the beauty of the Lord today?

  • High upon a rock
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The tiny figure is my son Jack, the valley drops off hundreds of feet below him.

To live at a higher elevation means to live in rougher terrain.  It also means to experience the awesome power of God to carry us through the wilderness and shelter us from harm.  Along the sides of ravines all across the Wyoming high desert are outcroppings of rock… towering hundreds of feet above the valleys below.  Once, when my son Jack was visiting us in Wyoming we stopped our truck atop White Mountain to see the view of Green River far below.  Jack decided to climb one of these outcroppings.  I could barely watch… he says it was the scariest thing he ever did in his life… also the most magnificent.  I thank the Lord for his safety that day!  But with Jesus we can dwell… that means we live each day… atop just such an outcropping.  We can live high above the valley… and it is the safest place in the world.   Jesus is the rock we can depend on; drink from; rest in His shelter.

Psalm 27:4-5 NIV

 One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.  For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

What an awesome picture of what it means to life in the presence of God through Jesus.  Have you allowed Him to take you out of the valley and set you high upon His rock?

A prayer

 Father God I ask that I may dwell in your house, in your presence today and everyday.  I will seek you with all my heart… in all my decisions… for you wisdom and guidance… for all my needs.  My heart pounds with the joy of living my life atop the rock that is your son Jesus.  That He may be glorified in and through my life.

Please feel free to contact me by completing the “prayer request” form or the “contact me” form.  Both are confidential and are not posted on the webpage but are emailed directly to me.  You may indicate if you would like an email response from me.  Or… you can simply add a public comment below and post it to this blog.

Never Lost in Uncertainty

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.

I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground.

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a couple days. On Saturday a tragedy struck a family I have only known a short time, but have grown to care deeply about.  Ever since I heard, everything else has seemed somehow insignificant, and my words seem to fall into the abyss of well meaning yet unknowing chatter that brings nothing of importance.  So this morning, on my scheduled day to post I have nothing.  I am so glad that God’s Word has all I need.

There are so many times when we don’t know where to turn, what to do or how to take the next step.  Everyday tasks can mount up until they seem overwhelming.  Young women and mature women alike live such busy and demanding lifestyles today.  The ordinary things of life… our jobs, our children, our spouse… not to mention the interest we have in our communities and other life fulfilling activities, all of these can truly blind us.  They create a whirlwind of choices and decisions that swirls around in our minds and keeps us lost in uncertainty.

Sometimes we are faced with sudden and painful circumstances that make it difficult to know what to do… what to say… how to persevere and continue in life.  Depending on how personal the circumstance is to our life… the pain can be total anguish that completely blinds us and turns our life into total darkness.  Taking any step at all seems impossible.  God is there for each of us… in every situation.

I teach in Boot Camp that the way to God’s direction is in our relationship to Christ and constantly including Him in our choices and decisions.  Key to that principle is being convinced that God does not forsake us!  To forsake means to abandon or desert.  We need to be certain that God is always with us… not just in the overall, general sense of God being everywhere that we learned or heard as children.  But in the personal – intimate with our confusion and pain – sense that God is talking about in this verse.  We need to know that when we can’t see the next step He is right there to guide us.  We need to know the depth of His love for us.

God brings light into the darkness.  Have you ever been in a cave and had the tour guides turn off the lights.  Pitch dark! So dark you can’t see anything even an inch from your eyes… it is exactly what it’s like to be blind.  To think you might be alone in that place is staggering.  But then they light a match and the light that surrounds it is amazing.  You know you are not alone.

My personal experience of being abandoned as a child hindered this “knowing” for many years.  I struggled with the lie that when I needed God the most He was not there.  I listened to that lie and would keep my eyes shut tight… no sense looking for someone whom I was convinced wasn’t there.  Then I would blindly try to find my way, groping and grasping for anything that I thought might bring me comfort.  But God was there and He never left me even for a moment.  When I read and listened to His Word; when I listened for His still small voice in my heart, He brought grace and truth and I would eventually open my eyes and my circumstances glowed with His presence.

In the ordinary life struggles and in painful loss and tragedy God is there. In His moment by moment presence we receive mercy, love and comfort.  When we don’t know the way, He takes us by the hand and guides and directs us.  This verse shows us exactly how God works… In Christ we accept that He is present with us and reach out to Him… He comforts our lost and hurting hearts; levels our paths, guides and directs us … overcoming our blindness and confusion we become convinced even more of His love and presence with us.

“And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.  I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do and I do not forsake them.”

                                                                      Isaiah 42:16 ESV

A Prayer

Father God thank you for your constant and unfailing love for each one of us… individually… personally and intimately.  You are aware of the everyday yet overwhelming things of life. You are especially present in the midst of the tragic, desperate confusion we all experience sometimes. Your son Jesus experienced it personally; it was at those times He withdrew alone to pray.  I ask you to guide my steps, each choice and decision that awaits me today.  With you, my way becomes level and smooth, my heart becomes calm and sure.  Thank you that you do not forsake me!

Teaching on how to experience God’s direction moment by moment in your life is available in Knowledge~Relationship~Decisions under resources: Boot Camp Workbook.  Also please feel free to contact me by completing the “prayer request” form or the “contact me” form.  Both are confidential and are not posted on the webpage but are emailed directly to me.  You may indicate if you would like an email response from me.  Or… you can simply add a public comment below and post it to this blog.